Escape to Paradise: Eix Lagotel Apartments - Your Majorca Dream Awaits!
The (Unfiltered) Truth About [Hotel Name - Choose a Fictional One Like "The Gilded Goose"] - A Messy, Honest, and (Hopefully) Helpful Review
Right, so, let's dive headfirst into this review of The Gilded Goose, shall we? I spent a week there, and let me tell you, it was… an experience. Buckle up, buttercups, because this isn't your typical, polished travel brochure spiel. This is the real deal.
(Keywords: The Gilded Goose, hotel review, accessibility, spa, dining, internet, cleanliness, services, rooms, family-friendly, [City Name], reviews, luxury hotel, best hotel, hotel deals)
The Good, The Bad, and The Questionable (My Unvarnished Thoughts)
First off, let me just say, as someone with… ahem… certain mobility challenges, accessibility matters. And while The Gilded Goose claims to be accessible, the reality was a bit… uneven. They do have an elevator, which is a HUGE win, and facilities for disabled guests are technically present. But navigating the lobby? Let's just say it involved a few awkward detours and a near-faceplant moment. The exterior corridor was… well, it was an exterior corridor, and the view wasn’t worth getting the wheelchair stuck in a pothole. It’s not terrible, but definitely not perfect. I wish I could give it a ‘Wheelchair Accessible’ rating, but I'd need a longer test run.
Accessibility Score: 6/10 (Room for Improvement!)
On-site accessible restaurants/lounges? Honestly, I didn't get a chance to check them all. Life, right? I did use one that definitely had access.
Internet Access (AND the Wi-Fi Saga)
Okay, the internet situation. This is where things got… hilarious. They boast Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! (which is a plus), but I spent a significant amount of time battling it. The Internet [LAN] option in my room, I quickly discovered, was a relic of the dial-up era. Forget streaming movies or anything requiring even a modicum of bandwidth.
So, Internet access – wireless it was. The Wi-Fi in my room dropped more times than I’ve dropped my phone in a week. I'd be mid-sentence in an email, and poof, gone. The Wi-Fi in public areas, on the other hand, was a little more reliable, but I spent a lot of time huddled in the lobby, squinting at my laptop, feeling like a digital nomad circa 2005.
And let's not forget about the Xerox/fax in the business center. Who uses a fax machine anymore? I almost cried.
Internet Score: 4/10 (Needs a serious upgrade!)
Things to Do and Ways to Relax (Or, The Spa! The Spa! The… Maybe?)
This is where The Gilded Goose truly shines, or at least tries to. The spa is their undeniable selling point, and it's almost worth the price of admission. Pool with view? Check. Sauna? Check. Steamroom? Check. Spa/sauna? Duh.
I opted for the full works, the Body scrub, the Body wrap, the whole shebang. It was… glorious. The masseuse was amazing. She knew exactly where all my knots were hiding (apparently, I’m a walking stress ball). The pool was great for soaking, and the view was breathtaking. BUT — and there's always a but — the gym/fitness facilities were pretty dated. The Fitness center was crammed and felt a little bit like they just shoved the equipment in last minute to tick a box.
Spa Score: 8/10 (Spa Experience is Sublime, Gym Needs Love)
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking (My Stomach's Tale)
Alright, the food. Another rollercoaster. The Restaurants are a mixed bag. The Asian cuisine in the restaurant was a major letdown. My pad thai was as bland as a beige wall. The International cuisine in restaurant was better, at least. The Western breakfast was actually pretty good, a solid start to the day, and the Breakfast [buffet] had good variety and the coffee/tea in restaurant was always flowing.
I had a few bites at the Poolside bar and also at the Snack bar, nice for an afternoon rest but nothing extraordinary. Room service [24-hour]? Lifesaver. Especially after the Asian cuisine incident. The staff, though, was lovely everywhere.
Dining Score: 6/10 (Hit or Miss, Service is Top-Notch)
Cleanliness and Safety (Important in These Times!)
The Gilded Goose takes cleanliness and safety seriously, which I really appreciated. They offer Anti-viral cleaning products and have Daily disinfection in common areas. My room felt clean and fresh when I arrived.
They also had Hand sanitizer available everywhere, and the staff all wore masks and were well-trained in safety protocols. Plus they have Smoke alarms everywhere.
Cleanliness Score: 9/10 (Reassuring to See!)
Services and Conveniences (The Nitty-Gritty)
This is where The Gilded Goose hits a lot of high notes. They have the basics covered and make sure they're convenient for guests. Concierge service was fantastic, the team was helpful and cheerful. Daily housekeeping? Wonderful. Laundry service? A godsend. Cash withdrawal? Check.
I did love that they have a convenience store, super convenient if you need anything and not up for going outside.
Services Score: 8/10 (Well-Rounded)
For the Kids (For Families!)
I didn't bring any kids, but the Kids facilities seemed decent, and the staff seemed friendly and helpful towards families.
Family-Friendliness Score: 7/10 (Seemed Good!)
The Rooms (My Personal Oasis, Mostly)
Okay, so my room. Let's get granular. Air conditioning in public area? Yes. Air conditioning in room? Yes. Alarm clock? Yes. Bed was comfortable. The Blackout curtains and Soundproofing were a lifesaver for catching up on sleep. Coffee/tea maker? Crucial. Free bottled water, appreciated. Hair dryer? Thank goodness. In-room safe box? Great. Internet access – wireless? See above (sigh). The Mirror was great for getting ready, but my view was of the parking lot.
But there were also imperfections, the occasional worn carpet or a questionable stain on the sofa. The bathroom, while clean, felt a bit cramped. The Slipers were great.
Rooms Score: 7/10 (Comfortable, but Not Perfect)
Check-In/Out and Getting Around
The check-in/out [express] process was straightforward, and the staff were friendly and efficient. Airport transfer was easy to book. Car park [free of charge] and Valet parking were both available -- a definite plus in [City Name]. They also had a Taxi service, just in case.
Check-in/Out and Getting Around Score: 9/10 (Smooth Sailing!)
Bottom Line:
Look, The Gilded Goose has its flaws. The Wi-Fi is a nightmare, and the accessibility could be better. But the spa is incredible, the staff is wonderful, and the location is great. Would I stay again? Maybe. If they promised to upgrade the internet and fix that one pothole…
Overall Score: 7.2/10 (Worth Considering, with a Few Caveats!)
Escape to Paradise: Islamic Hotel & Gazebo by the River in Prigen, Indonesia
Okay, buckle up, buttercup. This isn't your glossy travel brochure itinerary. This is me, raw and unfiltered, trying to survive… vacationing… at Eix Lagotel Apartamentos in Majorca. Let’s see if I can even keep track of my own damn schedule. Warning: may contain excessive sun, sangria-induced rambles, and a deep, abiding love for cheese.
Eix Lagotel Apartamentos: My Majorcan Mayhem Itinerary (or, "How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the All-Inclusive Buffet")
Day 1: Arrival (or, "The Great Luggage Debacle of 2024")
7:00 AM (ish) – Wake Up (to the horrors of airport coffee): Ugh. The air travel. Don't even get me started. The flight felt longer than my last tax return. I can already feel the pre-vacation stress melting into a puddle of "did I pack enough sunscreen?" anxiety.
10:00 AM – Land in Palma de Mallorca (and immediately start sweating): The airport was an absolute zoo. Thank heavens for the "follow the herd" method – it's the only reason I made it through customs.
11:00 AM - The Luggage Saga Continues: My suitcase. Missing. Poof. Gone. Vanished into the baggage-handling netherworld. (Side note: I swear I packed my good sandals… and my favorite book. Panic setting in.) Told myself "It's an adventure, they'll find it"!
1:00 PM – Check-in at Eix Lagotel (and finally drink some sangria): Okay, the apartment isn’t exactly what the brochure promised. The "sea view" is more like a "sort-of-sea-adjacent" view. But hey, the balcony is huge. Plus, the sangria from the all-inclusive bar is flowing, and suddenly, the luggage drama seems less… catastrophic. I'm in holiday mode.
2:00 PM - Explore the grounds: Found the pool. Instantly became best friends with the sun. The snack bar is a dangerous temptation, but, I have to make the most of it.
3:00 PM – Pool time! (or, "My First Near-Drowning Experience – Thanks, Margarita"): I’m not the most graceful swimmer. And that margarita? Probably not the smartest pre-dive decision I've ever made. Luckily, there was a very patient lifeguard. Note to self: learn to float, or at least, stick to the shallow end.
6:00 PM – Dinner at the buffet (a love-hate relationship): The food. A kaleidoscope of questionable choices. But also, churros. And paella. And a surprisingly decent selection of cheeses! The sheer volume is both impressive and mildly terrifying. I'm pretty sure I saw a guy take seven bread rolls. SEVEN.
8:00 PM – Entertainment (or, "Is That Lip-Syncing or a Natural Disaster?"): The show? Well, let's just say it was… enthusiastic. The singer definitely had a good time, even if her voice seemed to occasionally wander off on its own adventures. Still, it was better than being in my room.
9:30 PM – Bedtime (or, "Praying my luggage magically appears"): Hoping my luggage will magically appears.
Day 2: Beach Bliss (and Burning) (or, "The Day I Became a Lobster")
8:00 AM – Wake up (to a symphony of seagulls and regret) : Sunburn. Ouch. Turns out, even though I’d taken the precaution of using sunscreen, I’d forgotten application. Whoops. I look like a tomato, and I feel like one too.
9:00 AM – Breakfast at the buffet (fueled by desperation and coffee): The breakfast buffet is a battlefield. Dodged a rogue croissant, grabbed a coffee, and powered through. I discovered an amazing omelet station.
10:00 AM – Beach Day (Playa de Muro): The beach! Oh man, it's gorgeous. It's like something out of a postcard. Crystal-clear water, white sand, the works. Spent the entire day in the water, swimming, sunbathing, reading (when I finally managed to locate my lost book from Day 1).
1:00 PM - Lunch on the beach (fried fish and a cold beer – heaven!) Found a little chringuito on the beach and indulged in some local delights. The fried fish was glorious. The cold beer, even better.
4:00 PM – Regret levels are high: Sunburn is now a raging inferno. Did I mention the sunburn? I should probably consult a doctor, but, alas.
6:00 PM – Attempted to cool down: Aloe Vera is my new best friend.
7:00 PM – Dinner at the buffet (with a vengeance): Managed to find some more cheese. It's definitely a coping mechanism.
9:00 PM – Early night (and praying for a miracle): Luggage still MIA. Started thinking about what I packed in it.
Day 3: Exploring the Island – or, “When the Island Tried to Kill Me”
9:00 AM – Breakfast (must. eat. carbs.): More buffet. More coffee. More planning (maybe).
10:00 AM – Excursion Time! (By Bus!) We took a bus tour to a charming little village. The drive was windy and the bus driver gave me a panic attack. I think my heart may have remained on that road.
1:00 PM – Lunch in the village: The food was amazing!
3:00 PM – Trying to stay cool: The temperature was rising quickly.
5:00 PM – back to the hotel: The bus ride back felt like it lasted forever.
7:00 PM – Dinner at the buffet : I ate so much!
9:00 PM – Sleep
Day 4: Cheese, Chills, and Maybe a Bit of Culture ("Embracing the Majorcan Slowness")
9:00 AM – Breakfast - repeat
10:00 AM – Pool! - again. My home.
1:00 PM – Lunch
4:00 PM – Nap time - the best time.
7:00 PM – Dinner - and cheese.
9:00 PM – Bedtime - and praying
Day 5: Departure (or, "The Epilogue – Did My Luggage Ever Appear?"):
8:00 AM – Check out: Woke up in the hotel and checked out.
10:00 AM – Airport
The Luggage - NO!!!! Nope, the suitcase remains stubbornly lost. That, however, isn't really a big deal. I think the experience (and all the cheese) will be my souvenir.
1:00 PM – Plane time: Well, time to go.
Later: The flight goes really well, I am so tired.
Home
Post Script – Some random thoughts:
- Seriously, the cheese. It's a revelation. I'm going to need a cheese intervention when I get home.
- The sun. I'm pretty sure I'll be peeling for the next month.
- The staff at Eix Lagotel are incredibly friendly, even though I suspect they’ve seen it all.
- Did I miss anything? Probably. Did I have an amazing time? Absolutely. Would I go back? In a heartbeat (but I'm packing extra sunscreen and maybe a cheese passport).
The Utterly Unofficial, Possibly Unreliable, Definitely Rambling FAQ About... Life (and Related Shenanigans)
Wait, what ARE you even *answering* questions about?
Okay, okay, but... what if I have a *specific* question? Like, about... relationships?
So, like... do you *have* opinions?
Okay, fine. Let's say I'm wrestling with a problem. Can you actually *help* me?
What about... money? You seem to know a lot about everything, surely you have some insights about *that*?
You're kind of all over the place. How do you even *organize* all this information?
Are you... happy?
